Saturday, July 30, 2011

The DIRTY Truth About Girls

I was looking at my old myspace account and all the blogs that I wrote & stumbled upon the funniest entry I ever wrote entitled "GIRLS LIVES ARE LIES! ♥♥ the truth about us"
I wrote this blog a little over 3 years ago and when I read it for the first time in years...I was laughing SO hard!!! Here it is again... (reminder: I was 18 years old when I wrote it)


Jun 28, 2008
GIRLS LIVES ARE LIES! ♥♥ the truth about us

I work at a grocery store; I'm sure everyone knows and has seen me there at least once in their lifetime behind that check stand…

Almost everyday I have magazines staring at me. On the covers are gorgeous girls. Of course! Society wouldn't be so accepting if you weren't "beautiful." Yet there is an ugly side to girls that none of us really seem to face. We all know it, but our fronts put on a display to rather shun that ugly side…but I decided that it's time to talk about the
truth…get down to the nitty gritty and it's almost near impossible to disagree with it all.

Girls are not perfect, stunning creations that most men seem to think that we are…

& most guys don't find out until they marry us. It's almost comical to think about.

She's walking down the aisle in an astonishing white dress that makes her look like she's gliding. Her long brown curly hair flowed in the air with each step she took and lightly grazed her glistening eyes as cheerful tears fall from her long eyelashes. She smiles with those red glossy lips that frame her beautiful, perfect white teeth, her skin glows a luscious summer tan, as she smelled of a sweet temptation that pulled you in as she came closer and you can't believe you married the most gorgeous woman in all the world…until the next morning…

You didn't even need the alarm clock because you woke up to a loud sound that was followed by an awful, gut wrenching smell that was of a dead skunk. You look over to find what you expected to look like a sleeping beauty and instead see a snoring ogre that's drooling heavily into a puddle on the pillow. She wipes her eyes of the old mascara from the day before and has it all over her face and leaves the crusties in the corners of her eye lids. She smiles with a big grin and shows the lipstick smeared all over her teeth and opens her mouth to whisper good morning…right about that time you thought you slipped into a coma as you thought a cat's butt was shoved up your nose. This was not the same girl you married the day before.

Girl's lives are lies!

We wear makeup to cover up what we really look like. To most, it's the best invention there is to man kind and by the looks of it, that's not a bad idea…yet used improperly can also be assumed to be the scariest.

We wear heels…we aren't really that tall but you have to admit that it does make our legs look longer and they make a cool sound when you walk.

We wear push up bras (…our boobs aren't really that big…but you wouldn't know it thanks to Victoria's Secret) and sometimes even 2 bras depending on how desperate we are and how much cleavage we want to squeeze out of our turtle necks. Yet we all seem to say the same thing…"These are real! " yeah, really padded. It's basically like a suffocation to our tatas except, they can't breathe in the first place so no harm is done until you take your shirt & bra(s) off and you have deep creases in your skin and your nipples have temporarily deformed.

We wear perfume…we don't always smell good. Catch us after we forgot to wear deodorant and went to the gym for an hour, you'll be begging us to jump in the shower…without you.

We dye our hair…why? Because if we're blonde, we want to seem a bit smarter. As a brunette, we want to see if blondes really do have more fun and the other crazy colors just come in to make us look like rebels and we can handle anything, even an attack by a hot pink squeeze bottle.

We tan…honestly, our skin isn't really bronze. I don't even think the color bronze should have anything to do with our skin color because it makes me think of the color orange, yet we still come out of that tanning booth looking like a Crayola crayon and happier then when we initially went in.

We shave almost every inch of our bodies…we aren't "naturally hairless" which is why Nair and the Venus razor was set on the shelves of stores everywhere. If we didn't shave for about a week, we'd look like cavemen…

We do burp. Some even better than boys…it's a gift I tell ya.

Girls can also stink up a bathroom just as bad as a boy can, yet girls like to make it a little less discrete and NOT come running out of the bathroom telling everyone how your turd looked like a giant submarine…

We pop mints and chew gum as if it were prescribed to us…our breath doesn't always smell so nice. Let's refer to "the morning after" story.

Some girls won't even sleep over guys houses because they're scared of morning breath or will talk with the blanket over their mouth and when asked why they're doing that, the reply is somewhat like a, "Doing what? Your blanket just smells really good."

We get our nails done…they aren't really that long and impeccable. To tell you the truth they are the biggest pain in the butt. It's silly to stand there in front of the mirror for hours just trying to zip up your pants or pick up the change that you dropped from your wallet onto the floor (pretty much impossible) and they can lead to excruciating suffering if you hit them on anything…they do make good back scratchers though, which is why most boyfriends put up with them.

So all and all, we're all fake, fragments of your imagination…boys, if you believe the whole, "women are the delicate, flawless specimens of this world"…don't get married =]

p.s. I love every moment of being a girl and wouldn't want it any other way…besides a couple days out of each month due to a bloody massacre

1 comment:

  1. LOL. I remember when you posted this! Funny and very true!


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